Helping Others Handle Stress: Simple Ways to Be a Calming Presence

A few weeks ago, I mentioned to a friend that I was giving a presentation about Stress Management or Life Lessons I Learned at Camp.  He and I have a lot in common, including time spent at Scout Camp! He is currently an active Scout parent and leader, and we often talk about Scouting and Camp! And because he's also a professional speaker, it was even more fun to talk to him about my presentation. He had a great suggestion, and though it was too late to add to the presentation, it is still a good topic for an article and episode: Stress Management for other people, or, how we can help others manage stress.

There are stressful situations for some scouts and leaders at camp, of course, but also for all of us in life, so it behooves us to have tools ready to help us manage stress and help others manage their stress, as well. If you are a person that interacts with even one other person today, stress management for others may be helpful for you, too.

I am not a therapist and I am not asking you to be one either. However, I am an expert in Time Management and Productivity, and those are often connected to Stress Management, which brings us to today!  And today I won’t talk about how to counsel a person or to get to the root of a problem. We’re starting with easy and obvious.

First, understand that everyone is going through things that we don’t know about. It is not up to us to decide for others if they are stressed or not. We can start by assuming people around us are stressed and be gentle and kind. Or, just be kind, as a default.

The next easiest thing for us to do in helping others is to manage and regulate ourselves. If we ever hope to help someone else manage their stress, we really need to start with ourselves. We need to be grounded and calm, and ready with our own stress management because we cannot help others with their stress if we aren’t managing our own. It’s important that we don’t lose our cool.

We need to be aware that any situation we are in, even if it’s not stressful to us, can be stressful to another person. If we’re in a leadership role or just want to be a nice person, we need to be open and aware that pretty much any situation could be stressful for someone. We don’t have to actively participate in another person’s stressful situation, but we can be respectful that they’re going through something.

Another step is learning the signs and symptoms of stress so we can identify them in others, again - just awareness. And it is a part of being aware of our surroundings which is good safety advice. Short term (again, we are not diagnosing long term stressors today), visible symptoms could include rapid, shallow breathing; red or pale skin, or excessive sweating. In behaviors, stress can look like nervous or jittery movements, over-consumption of food or alcohol or smoking, speaking too much, too quickly, too loudly or too quietly, or behaviors inappropriate to the situation.  

I mentioned a symptom of stress can be rapid and shallow breathing. We are sympathetic breathers. That means, we can subconsciously pick up on the breathing of the people around us. You can walk into a room feeling perfectly fine and within 5 or 10 minutes be feeling stressed but you don’t know why.  Then you realize that someone around you is stressed, is breathing loudly and rapidly and you have started to match their breathing, and now your heart is racing, too.  Their stress is not your stress, but you are breathing as though you’re stressed and your body picks up on that. 

Understand that sympathetic breathing happens. Get good at checking in with yourself when you notice the symptoms of stress even when you’re not in a stressful-to-you situation. And realize you have the power to reverse the process. Breathe slowly and deeply, to better manage your own stress AND to set the tempo for others.  I can choose to slow down my breathing, I can slow and moderate my gestures and movements, and  model that calm behavior for others.

Shifting gears for a bit here. If you have time, if you know the people around you well, if you have the opportunity to ask, Ask! Ask friends or coworkers in NON stressful times what stresses them out. What stress looks like for them, and what helps them to manage their stress in the moment. We ARE NOT counseling, we are not diagnosing, we are just asking.  And we can share the same information with others in case we ever need help, too.

I’m reminded of the questionnaire we as parents, or as students when we’re older, answer for the teacher at the beginning of the school year.  What are your likes, dislikes, coping strategies, etc., would be very helpful in helping others help you!

Using camp as an example, stressful things can be: being away from home, hard things like jumping in the deep end of the pool, spiders or bees, thunderstorms, loud noises, etc.  A few things that stress me out at the moment are running late, rude people, unexpected loud noises or fear for my loved ones (I am sure there are more).

 When we have the opportunity, ASK!  Ahead of time and when we’re not stressed, ASK. If I am picking up on stress symptoms, I may ask my friends or family or in-person clients in a non-stressed moment, what specific things stress them out? and how do they choose to deal with them? Are there any conditions that make it more difficult at some times than others for them to handle stress?  And how can I help? To avoid the stressors, sure, but also to help them in that moment.

They might tell me:

“When I get stressed, I tend to breathe rapidly and sometimes I get light headed. And I will need to sit down for a few minutes and practice my breathing. I won’t be able to answer questions, but I will be ok in a few minutes.”

“When I fly, I get nervous on take-off, so if you can just talk to me to distract me until we’re in the air, that would be really helpful.”

“If there is traffic or bad weather like snow or a rainstorm on my way home, I need a few minutes to decompress, change my clothes, have a snack, etc. to settle down and get ready for the evening.”

I had a client years ago who was a hoarder, and working with me as an organizer was very stressful to her. She occasionally would ask if we could take a break and step outside, grab a glass of water, play with the dogs for a few minutes, to help her calm down and refocus.  It was courageous of her to keep working with an organizer, and Yes, of course we can.

In stressful moments, some people need a hug, or the pressure of a hand on a shoulder. Some people don’t want that physical contact. Some people want your presence in stressful times, and some want to be alone for a bit. Some people need to talk it out.  Some people need quiet, some people ask for noise or distraction. Some seek a dark room, some seek sunlight. Some may need a little rest, some may need physical activity to work through their stress.  And some people cannot verbalize or share their coping mechanisms when they’re overly stressed, which is why it’s so helpful to ask in calmer times.

I would love to remove the stressors altogether for some of us, but we all know we’re going to find ourselves in stressful moments. Let’s get better at stress management for ourselves, and also for others.