Clear Is Kind: The Power of Nonverbal Communication

In May, I was invited by South Suburban College to provide a Staff Professional Development session around Professional Communications. The program coordinators for the staff PD day are the same folks who hire me to teach Professional Communications, along with Time and Stress Management, to their Highway Constructions Careers Training Program students 4 times a year.

To introduce Communications, I need to say, “Clear is Kind”.  Clear Communication is Kind. I have to give credit to my friend and the Superintendent who I worked with very closely in my years as Board of Education President, Jenna. She introduced the statement and it guided our communications every day. Clear is Kind. Kind is respectful, even when you don’t have easy things to say. Kind is timely. Kind is understanding that different people have different ways and speeds of processing information. Clear is Kind.

Ok - the good news is that the professional communications content can be used for any communications, just being a human being. The better news is that I am NOT going to deliver the 60 minute session of content right now! But I will try to break it into consumable pieces to share for the purpose of podcast episodes.

Last week I wrote about motivation and productivity, and how we don’t always start out motivated to make progress but with movement and through our actions, we can generate motivation. And Clear Communications, Time Management, Motivation, Productivity - it’s all connected!

As I share today’s topic, I want to talk about, huh, well, I want to talk about not talking!  Let’s look at nonverbal communications. Research tells us that up to 93% of our communications is non-verbal.  The HOW we say the words we say and adjacent factors are far more important to getting our message across than just the words we use.

As a podcaster and blogger who's been writing articles for a very long time now and writes a new one every week, that statistic is very humbling. 93% of my communication is not based on the words I choose. And I really agonize over what words to choose sometimes! But I digress.

We’re going to look at what makes up nonverbal communication. We can  consider how to recognize it in others, but more importantly, we can get clear on what we want to communicate nonverbally with others. And the last part, or maybe it shouldn't be the end, maybe it's an overarching part, is what nonverbal messages are you telling yourself? Because that really matters, especially to motivation.

We’re all part of communication loops. Imagine, I am the source of the message. I consider what I want to communicate (message), in what environment and context (a professional message), how I want to communicate it (channel, like a podcast episode or a phone call), and who I’m communicating with (receiver).  Hopefully there will be a response, which is feedback. And sometimes there is interference or noise, which is a breakdown at any of these steps.  Ok, that was Comm 101, in like 4 sentences.

Those are the basics.  But then we find out that as important as all of those things are, in addition to our words (because our words absolutely matter), HOW we deliver our words, our pitch and volume and inflection and posture, is carried along with our message.  We pick up on that from others, we send it out to others, and we send it to ourselves. 93%!

What is nonverbal communication? Non-verbal communication is all the parts of how we communicate except for our words.

There are 9 elements of nonverbal communication: Facial expressions, Gestures, Paralinguistics (such as loudness or tone of voice), Body language, ·  Proxemics or personal space, Eye gaze, Haptics (touch), Appearance and Artifacts (objects and images).

Of those, facial expression, body language and paralinguistics most strongly influence how our messages are conveyed. If your verbal communication and nonverbal communication don’t match - like if you say “I’m Fine!” but your facial expression, body language and paralinguistics convey that you are absolutely NOT fine, that is called incongruence. And if there is incongruence with the verbal and the non-verbal communication, we’re more likely to believe the non-verbal.  INCLUDING YOURSELF!

How do we get clear? How do we improve our communication in general, but for the purpose of today - how do we improve our non-verbal communication?  And how do we cut down on incongruence, with others and with ourselves?

Become a student of yourself.

What does your face look and feel like?  Is there tension there? Are you scowling? Are you clenching your teeth?

What are your gestures saying?  Overly quick and then clumsy, or slow and practiced?  Movement then motivation then momentum, right?

What is your tone of voice and volume as you speak to others? Or to yourself?!  Sarcasm, criticism, scathing words - these serve no one. Not others and not yourself!

What is your body language saying to others, and to yourself?  How are you standing?  Are you in an open and receiving stance? Or are you closed off?

Have you heard “Fake it till you make it”? I am not encouraging us to be disingenuous, but there is value in acting confident and motivated until you start to feel confident and motivated. Ask yourself, what would a motivated or successful person do?

What are you known for? (for Example, Working on a client move project, and because I had been professional and followed up and was ahead of the curve to date, team members assumed the best of me!)  AND, what do you want to be known for?  You can start cultivating that today!

Become a Student of others:

Consider how others around you, at work or at home, communicate nonverbally. What do their facial expressions say? What type of gestures do they use? Becoming familiar with their nonverbal communication patterns helps you recognize when they might be feeling a certain way quicker because you're actively watching for these cues. (and it can give you suggestions for your own changes!)

Look for Incongruent Nonverbal Cues in yourself and others.

Do you say that you're fine, then slam cupboard doors to show that you're upset? This can give those around you mixed messages. Or maybe when someone is speaking with you, they say yes while shaking their head no. This is another example of incongruent behavior. 

And they might not be aware!  (See below for Ask!!)

Think Before You Act 

Stop and think before you act. This can help you eliminate or replace nonverbal behaviors that you've been wanting to change.

Ask Before You Assume 

Certain types of nonverbal communication can mean different things in different cultures. They can also vary based on someone's personality.  

I worked with a young man yesterday and I was worried that his silence meant something bad, when in reality he was admiring the organization we had created in his closet.  

Before assuming that a person's body language or tone means something definitively, ask. For example, "I notice that you won't look me in the eye when we speak. Are you upset with me?" Give them the opportunity to explain how they are feeling so you know for sure.

Another example is a friend who is always cold - she appears hunched, with her arms wrapped around herself which could mean an angry or defensive attitude, and really - she’s just cold!

To Recap:

• Clear Communication is Kind!  

• We all communicate daily!  With others, and with ourselves!

• Non-verbal communication cues tell us more than the actual words used, so let’s pay attention this week to others communicating with us, to our own communication with others and to our communication with ourselves!